Seven Principles of Biblical Friendship (Part 1)
“Friendship is the only thing in the world concerning the usefulness of which all mankind are agreed.” This was written over 2000 years ago by the Roman philosopher Cicero in the first century B.C. But while all people long for friendship, genuine friends are hard to come by.
Many factors contribute to the dearth of friendship. The increasing mobility of our culture has made lifelong friends a rare commodity. Even when we stay in one place for a long time, the rapid pace of life makes it difficult to carve out time for building and sustaining friendships. Social media may help us connect with old classmates and distant relatives, but it also poses an electronic barrier to the kinds of practices most necessary to maintain deep friendship. If we have ever needed wisdom regarding friendship, it is now.
The book of Proverbs provides such wisdom and many good helps for developing different aspects of our lives. Here is a list of seven principles for Biblical friendship.
- Be Selective (or Be Careful)
“He that walketh with wise men shall be wise: but a companion of fools shall be destroyed” (Proverbs 13:20).
First is the principle of selectivity. This proverb reminds me that everyone cannot and should not be a close friend. Quality trumps quantity, when it comes to friendship. Select your friends wisely and then stick to them. Proverbs 18:24 tells us that we should have friends that we can count on. Many use that verse to reference Christ (and I believe that is a good analogy), but this verse also refers to having a few folks that you can get wise counsel from to weather the storms in life. We should select friendships carefully because wrong friends bring harm. Notice that Proverbs 13 uses the word “walketh.” In the Bible, walking many times has an application of direction. For instance, we should not walk with the ungodly. We need God to help us “walk” in righteousness. This is true of character both noble and base. “Make no friendship with an angry man; and with a furious man thou shalt not go: lest thou learn his ways, and get a snare to thy soul” (Proverbs 22:24-25; see also 12:26 and 16:29).
- Have Boundaries
“Withdraw thy foot from thy neighbour’s house; lest he be weary of thee, and so hate thee” (Proverbs 25:17).
Proverbs teaches the principle of boundaries. Remember that friends are not your family. There should be some purposeful distance sometimes between one and his friends. Good friends who are wise can be very valuable, but each can wear the other out by constant talking, nagging, and being together. In youth, this is seen repeatedly. The clinging on to one specific friend, or the inseparability of some groups until one of them realizes that they are starting to despise the other, are examples of this. Create some space ahead of time and have some boundaries. Know when to leave a friend alone. Different people have different capacities for friendship and various friendships have different limitations. Learn when to give your friends space. Benjamin Franklin once made this statement, “Guests, like fish, stink after three days.” Don’t wear out your welcome!
- Give to the Friendship
“Ointment and perfume rejoice the heart: so doth the sweetness of a man’s friend by hearty counsel” (Proverbs 27:9).
“Iron sharpeneth iron; so a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend” (Proverbs 27:17).
One of the most important principles is the principle of giving. Friendship is a two-way street. In any true friendship, both persons contribute and both are in the business of adding to each other. To have a friend, you must be a friend. “Iron sharpeneth iron” and giving “hearty counsel” both illustrate two kinds of mutuality: sweet and sharp.
Sweetness arises from shared interests and the sharing of common ground. This is essential to any real friendship and is always present. Almost all friendships are based on something such as a similar taste in books, music, or entertainment; love for the same sport or hobby; similar life circumstances; the same vocation; a shared belief in God; and so on. Friendships do not have to include all of these things together, but deep friendship is built on some common ground. The more that one has in common with someone, the more “sweetness” there is to the friendship.
On the other hand, there is a sharpening aspect to a good friendship. “Iron sharpeneth iron.” Good friends are the ones who not only share interests, but they challenge one another in meaningful ways by expanding one’s thinking and interests, balancing weaknesses, and helping one to pursue a better character.