Seven Principles of Biblical Friendship (Part 2)
By way of review from the previous part one article:
- Be Selective (or Be Careful)
- Have Boundaries
- Give to the Friendship
- Require Respect
“Debate thy cause with thy neighbour himself; and discover not a secret to another: Lest he that heareth it put thee to shame, and thine infamy turn not away. A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in pictures of silver” (Proverbs 25:9-11).
Respect is the foundation of any good relationship. One of the main ways we show respect is how we talk about our friends when they are not around. In other words, don’t expect to keep friends if you gossip and backstab when they are not near you. Friends know when to speak and when to be silent.
“An hypocrite with his mouth destroyeth his neighbour: but through knowledge shall the just be delivered. When it goeth well with the righteous, the city rejoiceth: and when the wicked perish, there is shouting. By the blessing of the upright the city is exalted: but it is overthrown by the mouth of the wicked. He that is void of wisdom despiseth his neighbour: but a man of understanding holdeth his peace. A talebearer revealeth secrets: but he that is of a faithful spirit concealeth the matter” (Proverbs 11:9-13).
Look at all the verses listed above and notice the description of someone that is backbiting in a relationship. He is a hypocrite. We all have an understanding of a hypocrite, but consider again a few details. Christ called the Pharisees hypocrites. This should remind us that religion alone does not cure the disease of the tongue. The heart must be affected by the gospel. Notice in verse 11 that the backbiter is considered wicked and can take down a city. How true it is that the tongue can not just ruin a reputation, but also the cause of Christ. The backbiter is referred to as a talebearer. What a description of someone who wants the juicy tidbit not so that they can help in the situation, but so that they can be the center of attention!
- Demand Honesty
“Open rebuke is better than secret love. Faithful are the wounds of a friend; but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful” (Proverbs 27:5-6).
Another principle closely related to respect is honesty. Better is open rebuke than secret love. As Oscar Wilde said, “A true friend stabs you in the front.” Find friends who will be honest with you, even if it means wounding you with love. Flattery is a flimsy foundation for friendship (see Proverbs 28:23).
The Bible teaches to avoid the friendship that has weak accountability. Here’s an illustration to help us visualize this concept. Let’s say two or three friends get together to help each other become accountable with a vice in their lives. They come together and confess their latest blunders and in essence, pat each other on the back, say everything will be okay, and go home just as unmotivated as before to really do something about their sin. This happens over and over; they get back together the next week or month with the same sad story. Nothing is changed. Good friendship demands the honesty of open rebuke and faithful wounds. Neither of these words, rebuke or wounds, are things that any of us like, but good friendship is willing to be honest to help one make the changes in their life.
In the illustrated meetings above, all the participants were looking for somewhere to dump their guilt and be free of blame for what they had done. To use a modern catch-phrase, these participants wanted amnesty for doing wrong without owning up to the reason that they are in the mess they are in. We should not have friends just to appease our sin and then tell us our sins are forgiven. Of course, it isn’t a bad thing to want an affirming word. We should be reminding one another of God’s mercy and grace as well as His forgiveness. But a good friend is wise and knows that cheap peace or cheap grace is not a healthy or Biblical friend. Demand honesty and frankness in your friendships.